Alright, first thing’s first. Let’s just get this out of the way.

The person who started this challenge can go straight to hell. If you haven’t had the urge to throw your phone fifty feet directly up in the air and let it smash into a dozen pieces at least once a day over the past week or so after scrolling through your Facebook or Instagram accounts, then there’s clearly something very wrong with your brain. That’s right, I said it. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR 10-YEAR CHALLENGE PICTURES, PEOPLE!

Okay, well now that that’s off of my chest, let’s move along to the more important things in life. Like, you know, the 10-year challenge edition of the Pittsburgh Penguins (i.e. human beings we irrationally give way more of a fuck about unlike your ugly friends from high school who love themselves, yet still can’t quite figure out that they weren’t attractive in 2009 or even, better yet, ten years later in the year 2019!).

Anyways, let’s get to the pics and break them down.

(Note: for simplicity’s sake, I used the 2009 Stanley Cup Final roster as a guide for my selection of players. With that said, I’d like to formally apologize to Ryan Whitney, Colby Armstrong, Erik Christiansen, and a few others in advance.)

Craig Adams

In 2009, Craig Adams was riding off of the coattails of just about every Pittsburgh Penguin not named Craig Adams en route to his second (SECOND!) Stanley Cup ring in three years. Nowadays, he’s apparently slinging mutual funds and setting folks up with a financially secure retirement over at Merrill Lynch. Don’t think we haven’t forgotten about you reading that book on the plane ride on HBO’s 24/7 series. Nerd.

Philippe Boucher

Sorry for the shitty picture. Honestly Boucher kind of looks the same, though. Apparently he runs a foundation helping underprivileged children near his hometown of Quebec City. Seems like a good dude.

Matt Cooke 

No word on whether or not he’s been suspended for shouldering anyone in the head yet in his beer league.

Sidney Crosby 

Two more cups, two Olympic golds, and a billion other accolades later, still the best player in the world. Next.

Pascal Dupuis

Currently banned as fuck from PPG Paints Arena. Looks handsome, though.

Mark Eaton

Apparently he was inducted into the Delaware Sports Hall of Fame in 2017 (which I guess is a thing). I’ll say it – that suit jacket fucks out loud.

Ruslan Fedotenko

The man just absolutely REFUSES to age. Such an underrated part of the Penguins’ 2009 cup team. He also once jokingly blamed his inability to grow facial hair on growing up too close to Chernobyl. What a legend.

Marc-Andre Fleury

Your personal feelings on the Vegas expansion draft aside, Game 7 of the 2009 Stanley Cup Final goes into overtime if Fleury doesn’t lunge out and make that save on Lidstrom in the final seconds of the 3rd period. That’s a fact.

Mathieu Garon

Legit forgot this dude was our backup goalie in 2009. The good news is he’s most likely telling Hossa to go fuck himself in that picture on the left. Respect.

Hal Gill 

THE USS HAL GILL! What a Pensblog legend.

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Apparently he’s a radio analyst for the Nashville Predators these days. Doesn’t sound like a bad gig to me.

Eric Godard

Insert irrelevant player more deserving than Craig Adams to win a Stanley Cup. Never forget the time he received a ten game suspension for jumping onto the ice to rescue a teammate during the brawl on Long Island in 2011. #NotAllHeroesWearCapes

Alex Goligoski

Wild to think Goligoski’s still in the league. What’s even wilder is Ray Shero dealt him to Dallas for Matt Niskanen AND James Neal in 2011. Pretty sure Dallas’s owner should’ve called out his GM for that alone.

Sergei Gonchar 

Any time I hear the term “Power Play Quarterback,” I still think of Sergei Gonchar to this day. Guy had an absolute BOMB of a slapper from the point. Awesome that he stuck around to help coach the current team.

Bill Guerin 

Good ole Billy G. Still lookin’ like a damn snack. Also, he may be the only man that can bust Sidney Crosby’s balls and get away with it.

Tyler Kennedy

KENNEDY! KENNEDY! Good to see he’s still living around town helping out the local youth hockey community. No word on whether or not he’s teaching kids how to lick their hockey sticks properly.

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Chris Kunitz

The Robert Horry of hockey. Kunitz currently leads all active NHL players in Stanley Cup rings (4). The bad news is the Blackhawks aren’t winning another Stanley Cup anytime soon because they are now awful.

Evgeni Malkin 

The 101st best player in NHL history. There’s not much I can say about Geno that you don’t already know. However, if you aren’t following his Instagram account, then what are you doing with your life?

Chris Minard

Who?

Brooks Orpik

Brooks Orpik just played in his 1,000th career NHL game three days ago. Let that sink in for a second.

*extreme Kevin Garnett voice*

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miroslav Satan

Still lookin’ devilishly handsome these days. In 2016, he was Team Europe’s GM for the World Cup of Hockey. He led them all the way to the finals only to get beaten by Sidney Crosby and Team Canada. That’s just the way things go.

Rob Scuderi

(Confession: this photo of Scuderi groping his dog is from 2015, but it was too good not to pass up.)

Still can’t believe GMJR traded The Piece™ to Chicago straight up for Trevor Daley three years ago. Facts are facts, though. He was AWESOME in the 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs. Played extremely well versus Ovechkin.

Jordan Staal

“Alexa, remind Jordan what it looks like to play in the Stanley Cup playoffs.”

*pulls up picture of him on the left*

At only 30-years old, I can’t imagine Staal stays on the Hurricanes for the rest of his career.

Petr Sykora

Petr Sykora’s like a mythical legend. Not sure if anyone’s heard from him since he retired after his second stint with New Jersey in 2012. Apparently he’s coaching Peewee hockey in North Jersey nowadays. You’ll still never forget that goal he scored in triple OT of the 2008 Stanley Cup Final.

Maxime Talbot

For some reason Talbot’s still playing in the KHL. I’ll say it, though – No Game 7 hero – I REPEAT – NO GAME 7 HERO DESERVES TO BE POSTED UP IN SOME SHITHOLE HOTEL IN THE MIDDLE OF GOD KNOWS WHERE RUSSIA! Get him out of there!

Mike Zigomanis

Another guy I forgot was on the roster. Zigomanis is now an assistant coach for the University of Toronto’s hockey team. For some reason the video of him running the steps in Mellon Arena on an FSN Pittsburgh broadcast still burns a hole in my memory.

Dan Bylsma

Now an assistant coach with the Detroit Red Wings after lasting only two seasons as Head Coach of the Buffalo Sabres from 2015-2017. R.I.P.I.P. to his hair.

Ray Shero

Now the General Manager of the New Jersey Devils. He’s still probably trying to trade for more North American players for the Penguins in his sleep.

Mario Lemieux

LEGEND.

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And last but not least.

The Jerseys

My god were the old away jerseys TRASSSHHHHHHHHH. The new ones are arguably the best aways in the league. Don’t @ me.

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This 10-year challenge can go die now. Thanks for reading.

Go Pens.

@PeepsBurgh